The boy behind blue shark fins
by starshards
Summary: When an offhand question from Takao is proposed to Kai one day, the BBA team captain finds his mind dwelling on the innocent comment, sending him into a self analysis that causes him to question himself. [shounen-ai, KxR]


I have no idea where this came from, but... ah well, here it goes:

I'm trying for a Kai P.O.V this time round. I really want to make him seem more human, Hell, I strive for it. The poor boy's still just a (hot) teenage boy, he's entitled to some thoughts ! Of course, I have to get my shounen-ai in there. I'm not sure whether it ruins it, but like I said to my hikari, there's not enough fluff at the moment. Everyone seems to be taking the angsty path.

* * *

_People say that I'm deep. Complicated even. Hiding behind blue shark fins and a mask of apathy. I've often wondered why this judgement seems to define me, why I am painted this way. I suppose that it stems from the basic fact that I seem to appear emotionless. I rarely smile, I don't _do_ laughing, I don't get angry... too often, and when I do, I'm seldom what you would call enraged. I prefer to stay silent, after all, why should I speak when I have nothing good to say? _

_The problem is, when I don't speak out, when I don't voice my opinion, people begin to assume. My own team have come to the conclusion that some kind of horrible training regime back from those dreaded 'abbey' days has me unable to show any kind of emotion. Most everyone does, but, while the training was hard, and at times, a little extreme, it was hardly comparable to something like that scene out of 'A Clockwork Orange'. In truth, we were never actually trained to not show emotion. It's just that somewhere between the strict physical training, and the total lack of parental guidance -and, more precisely, the love and warmth that usually comes with it- whether it was intentional or not, we pretty much discarded the need to be expressive. That, added to my naturally cautious and reserved nature resulted in me being the way that I am. Appearing like I don't care about anything._

_Do I care? _

_Of course I do. I _am_ actually human, believe it or not, but something my team mate has said has made me think. Really, truly think._

'_Do you hate _everything_!?'_

_It was said with sarcasm, a light off-hand rebuke for an earlier comment I had made, but somehow, my mind seemed to dwell on it. I lay there, staring at the ceiling pondering it, a frown on my face, deep in thought, the familiar warmth at my side, offering none of the usual comfort I found in it. It was then, as I glanced at the silver sickle of the moon outside of my window, the only source of light in the room, I realised that the answer to Kinomiya's innocent question, is yes._

_Maybe I'm just a cynic in a fast declining world. I thought on it more, surprised by my own pessimism. I realised that I despise everything that this world stands for, from the little annoyances to the immeasurable worries of tomorrow._

_I hate greed,_

_I hate it when strangers talk to me,_

_I hate relying on a team,_

_I hate it when Kinomiya wins by a fluke and not skill,_

_I hate bugs,_

_I hate how weak people are,_

_I hate optimism,_

_I hate pessimism,_

_I hate it when people ask me stupid questions,_

_I hate it when people talk just to fill the silence,_

_I hate silence,_

_I hate how girls fawn over me,_

_I hate it when Max gets too excited,_

_I hate it when Max is quiet,_

_I hate how that damned computer seems to rule our battles,_

_I hate it when people ask why I wear face paint,_

_I hate it when Takao laughs at me,_

_I hate it when he's sombre,_

_I hate not being in control,_

_I hate it when Hiromi flirts with me,_

_I hate being flirted with,_

_I hate how Rei knows that I'm ticklish,_

_I hate being tickled,_

_I hate semi-skimmed milk,_

_I hate the colour green,_

_I hate that I don't care about my team enough,_

_I hate that I care too much,_

_I hate how I contradict myself,_

_I hate how that's the only way I can explain these things,_

_I hate not having parents,_

_I really hate the Bai Fu Zu,_

_I hate my Grandfather,_

_I hate injustice,_

_I hate it when Max is sad,_

_I hate it when Takao is serious,_

_I hate it when people try to hurt Rei,_

_I hate that I feel so strongly about these people,_

_I hate it that they don't know that I do,_

_I hate so much, and it almost makes me sad,_

_But most of all, I hate it when Rei doesn't smile, because when he does, none of that matters to me anymore._

_And with that realisation, for the first time that night, I turned to that warmth, and embraced it._

* * *

Okay, so there was more shounen-ai then I thought hits herself Bad Shini!


End file.
